Even for a Health and Wellness Coach almost Nutritionist…life can have it’s ups and downs..
This year has been no different expect the downs have been plentiful for me this year…
The year started with a downward spiral– mom was in and out of the hospital a lot more- than the year prior in a few short months … she was spiraling down with pneumonia/COPD– the pneumonia just won’t go away. At the last visit she was in a coma for a few days…then a week later she was home with a home nurse…. by 05/10/18 her body, mind and spirit just let go of this physical realm. She ended up passing away at home around 2pm… since then I have been grieving and trying to go through the process while still working full time, go to school full time, raise a child and help my spouse who has been disabled since 2011….
Some days I was on automatic and just trying to find my way out of the fog. I still am 7 months and 18 days later… life as I knew it will never be the same. My mom was and still is my best friend. She was my first best friend and even though my spouse is also my best friend…she always was too. I miss her daily.. and will for the rest of my life… sigh.. I know at some point she gave up, she spoke about it and in her last actions of refusing to go back to any hospital was her stand and choice for what came next… she knew… she was in pain and wanted it to end… we talked about it when I took her to her doctor appointments.. of course I begged and pleaded with her not to talk or feel that way…because I love her so…… and at the same time she told me in words and actions that she was just tired.. doesn’t make it hurt less…the hurt is still there … along with the what ifs or what could I have changed or did differently.. or should have done– spent more time with her etc… the list goes on.. and until my last day.. I will never be the same.. it’s a new normal that is forming.. not one I like but one I will live with….she would want me to live the best I can…
In the year we have also celebrated holidays, birthdays, anniversaries….
In July… we decided to continue trying for a 2nd child through IVFs.. since numerous IUIs haven’t worked since 2016… those were difficult and trying … and yet not the result we were looking for occurred… See I have PCOS and Hashimoto’s disease along with age working against us…
It took us 7.5 years before our miracle child– which no doctor thought I would ever be able to have a child…. now 7.5 years later we thought may be it would have worked by now especially via IVF since IUIs didn’t… and of course it hasn’t. Did this the first 7.5 years too… Highly frustrating and emotionally draining.. and some say we are crazy since still dealing with our lost to continue forward with this.. but I know my mother would have wanted us to continue on and that she would have been mad if we didn’t. She was all for it when we went back to the fertility doctors in 2016 since naturally wasn’t working for us from 2012 to 2016… she was our biggest supporter….
However we are currently on a hiatus from fertility treatments… because we only have one last viable frozen embryo and my insurance will only cover one more IVF… sigh.. We’re still hopeful about this and at the same time realistic– meaning we are lucky enough to have our one child and if that’s all we are deemed to have then so be it… It’s not the way we thought it would go and it’s not a means of giving up…it’s just us being honest to our selves… and even though this path may not be fruitful for us in having a 2nd child… it doesn’t mean it won’t be for someone else… there is always hope ..we still have it…it just may end up being something else for us….it may look like something completely different than what we imaged.. and that’s okay too..
Lastly, we have been working on figuring out how to minimize our lives… we are trying to figure out how to lower our consumerism while also living with less debt and not chasing money …to actually live a life that’s worth something… while also being true to who we are… this started in 2011 when my spouse was in a coma for a week or so… didn’t know if he was going to make it… so when he did ..we made plans.. and those plans of course changed etc.. Well, the plans we started out with has evolved back into a life like we had before he was sick– mortgage, bills etc… and it wasn’t actually the plan we had after he got sick… so we are working on figuring out how to be mortgage and rent free, less bills, less consumerism and more living life with traveling, creating and being a happy family/individuals…we also want to be in the here and now.. We have a game plan and we are working on it since July/August… we have moved forward with a few steps and we are hoping to put them into further action in the coming year (2019)…. fingers crossed we can… it’s scary the changes we are looking at making but as long as we have each other …we can make these changes happen… Eventually more will be posted about our journey with “minimizing” or downsizing our lives… just not sure how to post about it yet.. it will come to me…
Well, that has been my year… it hasn’t been a bed of roses but at least I have woken up everyday…. it’s at least a start… here’s to 2019… no resolutions…just making changes that work for myself and my family..
Please share your 2018 highs and lows— never know …someone else may just need to know they are not alone with the same or similar trials and errors in life.. because even if you feel alone.. you don’t have to be…