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It’s been almost 2 months since my mother past away at the age of 61– she was my first best friend, my first confident.. she’s the one I fought to help live through the illnesses and pain she endured for the past 10 years… and I miss her terribly everyday… the mourning of her physical being is daily… doesn’t stop..not even in sleep..They say that grief and loss has stages– and yes there are many of them…
1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. And no… People don’t grieve in that order and each person will experience grief and loss differently… which can make the process feel so lonely… I know in the cycle of life a parent is suppose to go before their child.. and even with that said you can never truly be ready for it… I just wish I had a few more years.. I wish she wasn’t in pain and the illnesses didn’t come for her.. that life was kinder and easier for my mother… that she was older when death came for her while she slept peacefully.. it would have been kinder to a person that was so loving, giving and wonderful.. it was the least she deserved… because she deserved so much more… A love between a mother and a child is FOREVER. She will always be in my heart and I will always see her in me … in my child… just not her anymore… People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I’m not always sure how to answer that. It depends on the day. It depends on the minute. Right this moment, I’m not okay… it’s a holiday and it’s quiet without her. Yesterday, was better for me and well, tomorrow, isn’t here yet so we’ll see. Most the time I just say I’m lucky I have pants on… cause believe me there are days I feel the “fog” around me so thick that I just don’t think I will be able to breath..so I just muddle my way through and am thankful I didn’t leave the house naked… See I thought I knew Grief through the lost of our family furry four legged children.. and yes those moments of loss were very hard…. and still I have learned even more about Grief through this lost than I thought was even imaginable… because Grief is different for every experience in life. It is a force that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own time table with no rhythm of reason. Grief does not stop when you have plans or life obligations. Grief comes whenever, however and how often it wants to– in the middle of sleep, at the food store etc. and it’s heartbreaking to the point where normal everyday function wants to cease but I push forward… All I know is that I hope where ever mom is.. she’s proud of me and watching over us.. that she is no longer in pain or bothered by illnesses. I won’t claim to know where she is because that’s not for me to know yet… I do hope one day that we will meet again at a grand table in the summer lands with the rest of those I love… until then I will love my mother forever…. Much love during a time of grief..
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